


working for (packing) peanuts

by Dresupi



Category: Legion (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kissing, Mutual Pining, Technical Malfunction, Undercover as a Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 09:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Faking a relationship with a telepath feels like cheating somehow. Especially whenhe’sthe telepath.But Darcy’s pretty sure he’s not reading her mind. Because if he was, he’d know how much she wants to kill him for losing that listening device.





	working for (packing) peanuts

**Author's Note:**

> _****_
> 
> _**Darcy Lewis April Fool’s Crack Challenge 2019** _
> 
> _Day 9: Must Include Packing Peanuts_
> 
> This isn't in my other Taserlegion verse where he's assimilating her mind. This one's just a cracky what-if-things-weren't-messed-up-verse. Enjoy!

“Where do you want the books?” David had one of the boxes open in front of the built-in shelves that lined one entire wall in this new apartment.

Darcy was almost jealous she didn’t actually live here. The shelf space was bonkers. But she really liked her apartment too. It had Bowie, who was being fed by Jane for the foreseeable future, and it had only been eight hours and she already missed her cat. She’d start welling up again if she thought about that, so she pushed all thoughts of her special Bowie-boy out of her head and focused purely on the task at hand. Move into this apartment with David.

“Wherever they’ll fit,” she replied, fluffing a throw pillow and tossing it onto the couch.

The SHIELD movers were bringing in most of “their” stuff from the moving van, but they still had to figure out where to put it all. They’d practiced most of their in-public lovey-dovey routine, kind of like a weird acting/improv workshop where everything focused on getting her and David to kiss, but she was kind of flying by the seat of her pants here. The door was left open for the movers because that was what normal people would do. They wouldn’t shut the door every time someone walked out while they were moving in all their worldly possessions.

She had to play a convincing house.

Because the truth was, 99% of this stuff was on loan. As was the apartment. It was just lucky that they could grab the empty place for their undercover operation.

There was a couple in the building who was smuggling some rather impressive tech and the powers-that-were needed Darcy to prove the Joneses had it. She wasn’t actually sure if their name was Jones, but for all intents and purposes, in her head, they were the Joneses. And considering that SHIELD only got reads from the tech in this general vicinity and had no idea which couple had the stuff, the anonymous couple was lucky Darcy was just referring to them as the Joneses.

And that brought her to David. He was here because SHIELD needed his super fancy mind-reading powers to figure out which couple had the tech. Why they couldn’t just use David’s powers was beyond her, but it was cool. She felt like the Q to his Bond. If Bond was a major dork and could read minds.

“Come out and help me grab the groceries,” she said, walking past him and dragging her fingertips down his arm before grabbing his hand. They’d come with a few bags of what looked like generic pantry staples, but really the bags were filled with Darcy’s own personal tech.

And she guessed, on second thought, that the tech was the reason she was here. She designed her own, pretty much ensuring her job security. So yeah. That’s why she was here.

David came willingly, they really had this couple thing down pat. Maybe. As long as no one threw them any curveballs. Like sex pollen or an amnesia drug that made them think they were actually married.

She really wished she was kidding about that, but both had happened in previous undercover ops (not hers, but she’d heard about it) and it made everything super messy and feelsy. But there had been no evidence of either being attempted in this instance.

As it stood, she and David had a couple of lookie-loos who’d walked past the apartment door, nosily peeking in to get a good look at the ‘new neighbors’, so it was probably a good call to keep up their charade as long as was possible.

David followed her downstairs, dragging his feet a little as he listened in on the neighbors on each floor. The apartment was a fourth-floor walkup, which was a pain in the ass. Literally, her glutes were on freaking  _ fire _ , man.

It felt a little weird, having him listen in on everyone around here, but he could control his powers pretty well.  He wasn’t listening to everything all at once, he could tune things out. ‘Like a radio,’ he’d explained. And if he didn’t hear anything of use, he tuned them out really quickly.

“Anything yet?” Darcy murmured.

He shook his head slightly, “Nope.”

They reached the landing on the second floor and an older woman stepped out after them, and David tugged on her hand, pulling Darcy close so the other woman could pass by them.  His fingers tickled a little at her waist, fingertips encountering bare skin as her shirt rode up on her torso. It made her visibly shiver. In a good way.

Darcy felt the woman smile a little as she passed them

“So you’re the newlyweds who moved in, I presume?” she asked, directing the question over her shoulder as she moved down each step in front of them.

Darcy felt David squeeze her tightly and tilt his head slightly to touch hers. “Are we that obvious?”

“Sorry…” Darcy replied, tilting her head slightly as well. “It’s our first place as husband and wife.”

Technically not a lie, so actually, Darcy didn’t show any lie-signs at all. Supposedly. Not that this woman looked like a threat in the slightest.

“It's not a problem at all,” the woman replied. “It’s refreshing to see people so in love.”

It was silent after, the only sound was the combined footsteps moving down to the first floor. The woman walked over to the mailboxes as Darcy and David exited the lobby.

They made their way out to the street and to where their car was parked in the temporary loading zone to pull out the bags of ‘groceries’. They’d have to come down later to move it, but they had twenty-four hours to do so. That sounded like something for tomorrow-morning Darcy because if she had to walk anymore today, her legs were going to go on strike. 

The moving van SHIELD had used to transport all the household stuff was being closed up and the movers waved as they climbed into the cab.

They must have everything they needed.

David managed a wave before the movers pulled out and disappeared down the road.

“Nice job in the stairs, by the way,” he mused, hoisting two bags into his arms. 

“Likewise.”

“What, like it’s hard to pretend to like you?” he asked, smirking a little as they made their way back upstairs. Darcy chewed on those words and the way his lips quirked in the corners for the rest of the way back up. They didn’t meet anyone, which was probably good, because she had a totally blank look on her face like she was trying to multiply two seven-digit numbers in her head.

They set the groceries on the counter in the kitchen, Darcy was about to go close the door when David suddenly smacked her ass, squeezing tightly before slipping the same arm around her waist and tugging her close. “Neighbor at four o’clock…” he murmured, leaning in to kiss her lips.

Her eyebrows went up in surprise, but she wasn’t facing the door, so David lingered on the kiss, attempting to wipe the surprised look off her face. Probably succeeding. Maybe. All Darcy could focus on was the firm pressure of his lips on hers. He seemed to know just how she liked it. But he promised he wasn’t reading her mind. And she had no reason to think he’d lie to her about something like this.

But that wasn’t what she should be focusing on. There was still a neighbor at the door. They were lingering as well. Kind of suspicious, considering that they were just standing there watching David grope her.

“Oh, sorry! Am I interrupting?” asked someone from the doorway.

_ Obviously, _ Darcy thought to herself, her back still to the doorway and whoever was standing there.

“Not at all,” David replied, eyes locking with Darcy’s as she composed herself and turned.

“Everything’s peachy,” she said, laughing a little too loudly, but it seemed to work.

“I just noticed you were moving in… I live down the hall if you need anything.” The woman smiled and Darcy swore she could count all her teeth.  _ Weird _ .

“That’s  _ super _ nice of you,” Darcy gushed, and the woman nodded, still smiling as she backed out into the hall.

“For real. Let me know if you need  _ anything  _ at all,” she said before making her complete exit.

David watched her leave, closing the door and sliding the deadbolt into place behind him.

“Well, this is going to be easier than I thought…”

“What is?” Darcy asked, her mind immediately going to that place. The place that seemed to stick longer and longer each time they engaged in coupley things. Her smile was almost flirtatious, but David didn’t seem to realize it.

“I think she’s one of our smugglers,” he gestured out the door.

Darcy’s eyebrows went up. “Why on earth did she come to visit us, then?”

“Oh, she has no idea who we are. We just need to get invited over to her place for dinner and plant the bug. We’ll be in and out in a week.”

_ A week _ ? Darcy thought to herself. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she’d kind of hoped she’d have longer with David than a week. But she was quick to hide her disappointment.

“Awesome,” she said. “If you’re sure we have our smuggler, I have some surveillance gadgets to unpack.”

“Anything cool?” He was smiling again and woe be it to her if she were to deny him anything.

“Definitely, you wanna see?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, help me unpack these bags so I can get set up.”

 

* * *

 

Contrary to what he’d said before, David didn’t actually follow her into the bedroom after he’d helped unpack the gadgets. From the sound of things, he’d gone out to the living room to watch TV.

Which kind of ruffled her feathers more than she was willing to admit. Just because he didn’t have tech didn’t mean he couldn’t help with hers.

She guessed it didn’t matter anyway. There were some super cool bugs to set up.

Darcy had some really cool ones from SHIELD. Shapeshifting bugs. She called them shifters for short. Basically, you tossed them onto a table or into a junk drawer and they cloaked as a nearby object so they could remain hidden for as long as audio feeds were needed.

She took out a teeny screwdriver to tighten a few post screws and jumped when her finger got zapped. “Fucky Charms,” she muttered, biting on her lip as she furiously shook her hand to relieve the sensation.

The TV in the living room went quiet and she heard a few hurried footsteps in the doorway as David tucked his head in to check on her. “Everything alright, Darcy?”

She sucked at her fingertip until the burning ceased and nodded. “Glorious.”

For the second time that day, she suspected he was listening to her thoughts. And without her permission too. Maybe. Or maybe not? She wasn’t sure. But she’d  _ barely _ exclaimed, and he was watching TV, so...

All she knew was that he’d promised he wouldn’t. And she was super embarrassed at the images he’d find in her brain if he looked there. She took a deep breath and let it out as he fully entered the room.

“So what kind of goodies are you working with?” he asked, approaching the bed, but remaining a safe distance away. Like if he got too close, he’d get hurt or something.

Either that, or he’d looked into her mind and found those very non-PG fantasies she liked to entertain about him and one (1) can of Reddi-Whip.

She pressed her lips together for a long moment before answering. “Well, this is one of our listening devices. New SHIELD tech, state of the art. I call them shifters. Because they shapeshift into other objects. So you can hide them in a junk drawer or something and pick up a great audio feed and the target has no idea.”

She held the device in her fingers, showing him how small it was. When it wasn’t activated, it looked like a little silver capsule. About two inches long. Kind of like a bullet or something.

David looked interested. “Can I see it?”

“Sure.” She handed it over. “Now, don’t drop it because…”

He had just tossed the device in the air, attempting to catch it, only to have it slip through his fingers and dropping down into the box at her feet.

The box full of packing peanuts.

“Fuck,” she muttered.

Maybe he wasn’t reading her mind after all. Because if he was, he’d have known not to fucking toss that thing into… oh for fuck’s sake.

“I’m so sorry,” he replied. “I can find it…”

“No. You can’t. Because once it comes into contact with something other than human flesh, it activates and cloaks. As a nearby object.”

“So what does that mean?” he asked, frowning a little at the box between them.

“It means it’s one of these packing peanuts now.”

There was a long, awkward silence as they both gazed down at the slightly green styrofoam bits.

“There’s no way to figure out which one it is?” he asked, his frown deepening.

She sighed, “Unfortunately, there is. I’ve had to do this before.”

“What is it?”

She reached for a smaller cardboard box and dropped some pennies inside. She sat down on the floor and picked up a packing peanut, dropping it inside. Nothing happened, and she sighed, tossing it over her shoulder.

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. That thing’s insanely expensive. We have to find it.”

David sat down beside her and reached for the box. “Let me take the first shift. It’s my fault.”

She laughed and patted the carpet beside her. “We’ll take turns.”

“Can I ask what’s funny?” he asked, settling down on the tan berber on the other side of the box.

“Definitely.  You see, twice today, I suspected you of trying to read my thoughts without permission, and this just clinches it.”

He looked alarmed. “What does?”

“There is no way you’re reading my thoughts if you did that.”

“I wouldn’t anyway…” he said, trailing off as he dropped another peanut into the small box of pennies. “What were they?”

“What was what?” she asked.

“The instances? You said there were two of them. What were they?”

Darcy felt her cheeks reddening a little, but she went on like she wasn’t flustered as hell. “Oh, when I zapped my finger, I thought you were reading my mind to find out I did it.”

He laughed. “No. You yelled out ‘ _ Fucky Charms’ _ really loud. Like… super loud. Louder than the TV even.”

She scoffed. “It wasn’t  _ that _ loud.”

“I guarantee it was.”

“I mean. Maybe it was.”

“ _ Maybe _ it was?”

“Okay, I thought I was muttering. Apparently not.”

“Shout-muttering maybe.”

She laughed softly and reached for a handful of peanuts. “Okay. Shout-muttering.”

“What was the other one?”

Her eyes widened a little as a packing peanut stayed stationary in her fingertips, hovering over the box. “I plead the fifth.”

“What? You can’t plead the fifth to friends,” he argued, reaching out and plucking the peanut from her hand and dropping it into the box.

She pursed her lips as if deep in thought. “Yeeeaahhhh, I think you can.”

“Can’t.”

“Can.”

“Can’t.”

“Can.”

The clock chimed nine on the mantle out in the living room, and Darcy sighed, dropping another peanut into the box to no avail. 

“We need to take a break to go have sex in a few minutes,” she said, nodding towards the bed and hoping no,  _ praying _ that her statement would be enough to keep his mind off what the second instance had been.

Sure enough, David looked surprised at her words. “To go… have…  _ sex _ ?”

“Fake sex. Believe me. That’s the last thing I want to do with you right now,” she said with a smirk.

“Oh really? Thanks. Thank you so much.” His sarcasm was so thick, she could slice it up and make a sandwich, but that was fine. If he was being sarcastic, he wasn’t niggling for answers.

She wiped her hands on her pants and pushed up off the floor. “For all I know, you wouldn’t be able to find anything. I mean, that’s been my experience with you, after all,” she said, gesturing to the pile of peanuts.

“I can find  _ everything _ ,’ he assured her. “Just like I can find  _ out _ everything. Like what that second instance was where you thought I was reading your mind?”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Just. Get on the bed, Casanova.”

Sex simulations were, fortunately, something they’d practiced in their improv/training course, so when he jumped up on the end of the bed, she followed suit, but centered herself more, while he was up at the head of the bed.

Once they were in position, they started bouncing the mattress a little. SHIELD had thankfully provided them with a very squeaky mattress, so it sounded obscene.

“Tell me,” he whispered, his gaze intent on her as he bounced around, raising his voice only to let out a very convincing grunt. One that was decidedly for their neighbors’ benefit and not hers.

“No,” she replied, speeding her bouncing a little. “Not telling.”

“Please. I need to know if it’s a weird vibe I put out…” he countered, still softly, his eyes soft and pleading as he kept up a very steady rhythm.

“No.”

“Darcy…”

“ _ David… _ ”

“I’d tell you.”

She scoffed, “Unlikely.”

“Please,” he said, reaching out to grasp her hand.  She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. Not when what they were doing was so ridiculous.

“When you kissed me,” she murmured. “I wondered if you were reading my mind because you were doing exactly what I liked.”

David stopped bouncing for a moment, his face almost unreadable as he soundlessly dropped to the floor. Darcy panicked a little, slowing her bounces too as she sat down, sliding her feet to the floor and scooting over to the side where he was standing. “It doesn’t need to--”

He placed his finger to his lips and shook his head.

“David.”

Another shake of his head as he stepped closer, his knees bumping the bed as he stepped between her knees and bent over her, lips pressing breathlessly against hers. Firm as his hand slid into her hair, fisting a handful of it as he parted his lips, tongue swiping lightly between her lips. When he broke off the kiss, she chased after him, a soft giggle escaping when he cupped her face in his hands and pulled away.  “Like that?”

She nodded and he kissed her again, reaching over for the headboard as he gave it a good shake, bumping it back against the wall and let out a soft moan. “Multitasking?” he whispered.

Darcy agreed and moved back up to the pillows, a slightly louder moan slipping from her lips when he followed. It wasn’t entirely fake, full disclosure.

She was pretty sure they’d be up until the ass crack of dawn finding that listening device in the packing peanuts, but neither of them really cared about it right then.

**Author's Note:**

> Taserlegion!
> 
> I feel like I should write this ship more often, ngl. 
> 
> Leave me some sugar! <3


End file.
